September 12, 1992: The Number of Destiny

K___ is in Tucson and I am at 521 N Washington. 5+2+1=8, the number of fate and destiny. 8 is my birth-number. In this life I will have to deal with something I've been putting off or avoiding in my previous incarnations. Doom.

K___ is in Tucson and I am still here in Bloomington. I think maybe I'll go out and visit her there this winter. But it can never be the same between us. I don't want to be her lover anymore. Perhaps that was a mistake from the beginning. But for a while it seemed almost magical.

We came together. But after a year or so she stopped coming -- the same slow chill that came over A__ eventually. It makes me wonder.

So now I live with Joe N______ at 521 N Washington #2, the upstairs apartment. It's an old, tall house. Covered with sky-blue vinyl siding.

I've never lived with another man before.

I miss the physical companionship. Not the sex, but the touching. I miss a warm female body beside me in bed.

I've been hanging around with Christy P_____ lately. I met her five years ago, I think, when we were both working that weird summer job at CBS/Columbia House. She's fun, funny, sexy, cool. But I wouldn't want to have a normal, serious relationship with her. I can see the problems so easily: her Catholic guilt complex, my comparative social inertia. It wouldn't work.

Nevertheless... I wonder if something amusing might not be contrived, something with a little distance, with room to breathe.

Probably not. I've never had a casual lover before. But she makes for a good fixation.

Life in flux. Some things have to come apart for other things to come together. I hardly have time to feel the pain.