Got busted for shoplifting.

Me and Kev were going to see Total Recall with Mike, Susan and Eric. Kev and I wanted to do some Tussin first, but we didn't want to pay for it. I've ripped Kroger off a few times recently, so I got careless. Kev stole some condoms. I stole a 12 oz. bottle of cough syrup. Slipped it into my bookbag. I paid for a bottle of olive oil. We left the store.

But in the entryway we were stopped by a man with a badge. Not a man in uniform. Told us to stop. Accused us of stealing. I denied it at first, but he didn't let up. Then Kev admitted to stealing the condoms. I still denied having stolen anything. He told me that he was a police officer, and he started reading me my rights. So I admitted it.

By this time we're upstairs in a secret room behind spy mirrors that I'd never noticed. I should have burst out into a sob story about how my girlfriend is sick and I didn't have any money because I can't get a job and I'm so deep in debt, etcetera. Maybe that would have helped. Probably not.

He said we'd both get pre-trial diversion. But that's because he thought it was my first offense. It's not. It's my second offense; I'm still on probation for my first offense, streaking. Does this mean serious trouble? LIKE GOING TO JAIL? I don't want to go to jail.

There's nothing I can really do about it now. Just see my lawyer, see my probation officer, but there's nothing I can do to fight this thing. So why worry about it? Yet I can't stop worrying about it. I could be lying in bed awake now, thinking about this, but instead I decided to sit out here and think about it and leave something for my future self to contemplate.

Did I do something wrong? I didn't think so before I got caught. I didn't think so after I got caught. I don't think so right now. But I have been given cause to question my belief more closely. And I do feel shame, don't think I don't. I feel ashamed for getting caught. But also I feel ashamed because I think that Kris will disapprove. I'll probably tell her tomorrow. And though I'm sure she'll be kind and supportive as always, I can't help feeling ashamed, because her opinion means so much to me. Shit. This messes things up. Hopefully not too bad. That's what would really make me ashamed, if this screwed up our California plans. God, I hate to even think.

Sometimes, these days, I feel like I'm at rock bottom. My unemployment depresses me. Every job opportunity is just another blind alley. I don't know how I'm going to get enough money to get by. I can't even afford books for class. For a while my broken collarbone was aching all the time -- at least that's stopped-- and just a moment ago I heard something creep by on the mattress, beside my head as I lay awake in the dark. Was it a mouse or a giant cockroach? Which would be worse?

Oh well. It's all something to look back on later and laugh, right? And maybe do something about it?