XLV

January 17th, 2012 by Editor B

Here I am on my 20th birthday, with my mother and sister.

Birthday XX

My hair was thicker then.

That was 25 years ago today.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve contemplated my mortality on an almost daily basis, yet I’ve often behaved as if I think I’m immortal. I’ve frequently envisioned myself as an old man, while clinging to an extended adolescence.

Those aren’t really the contradictions they might seem to be at first. Nor do I think of myself as particularly morbid. In fact it makes perfect sense if you look at it the right way. Youth and age are linked. Life and death are not mutually exclusive. They are necessary correlates. You can’t have one without the other.

An acute sense of my own mortality has stimulated me to live life fully. It has given me the impetus to courage when I needed it.

Yet time marches on, and I’m no longer young. I’m somewhere in the middle of life, or so I hope. I’m happy to have made it this far, and with any luck I’ll have some ways to go before my inevitable demise.

A game I play at each birthday is to double my age and see what that sounds like, to think about what it means to be halfway there. So now I am halfway to 90, and for the first time I have to admit that’s a pretty intimidating number. For the first time, I have to admit I may not make it that far. My great-grandfather Paul Hollmann did, and then some. But you don’t see a lot of 90-year-olds over six feet tall. Maybe us tall types bump our heads too often. And so for the first time (ROX #88 notwithstanding) I have to admit, I may be past the halfway point of my natural lifespan.

On each birthday I have also gotten in to the habit of taking stock of how my body seems to be holding up, and generally congratulating myself on feeling young. When I turned forty, I said to myself that I felt like I could be thirty. I could be twenty. That era has ended. I’d mark the change as beginning around my 43rd birthday but as with any long slow process, it’s hard to be exact. I’ve never been especially robust; I’ve always had my aches and pains. But they have started to accumulate. The challenges faced to my lower left extremity are a case in point.

I’m getting my first hints of what life will look like through the other end of the telescope. When I was younger, I’d suffer sudden visions of my old age, almost overwhelming in their visceral clarity. When I am truly old, if I should live that long, perhaps I will be haunted by my youth, just as in my youth I was haunted by my dotage.

Right now, though, I’m in that gray middle place. Middle aged. Middle class. A little thicker in the middle from accumulating belly fat. That’s a lot of a middle for a guy who claims to value the periphery over the center.

I still get the willies when I contemplate my mortality, but I have to admit it doesn’t thrill me like it used to. Part of that may be parenthood. There is now someone else to worry about and care for, someone for whom I’d lay down my life without hesitation. That’s represents a profound shift, and it’s dulled the edge of the old fear considerably. But I’d also like to think that I’ve grown somewhat more accepting of life’s natural cycle.

Enough of that. I’ve survived another year, and that is of course a cause to celebrate. I was in a bit of a slump for a few years there: My birthday tended to suck, and I didn’t care. But last year my birthday was a blast, and this year I’ve actually got presents. I baked myself a savory cake for dinner tonight and some clove cookies to share with my co-workers. I’ve got to work late, but it’s a meeting of the Saint Katharine Drexel Book Club, so that’s a pleasure.

9 Responses to “XLV”

  1. GRAMPA RAY Says:

    Happy Birthday Bart: I just doubled my age and found it to be 154. Having just started on melatonin, the age reversing drug, I may be about halfway myself.

    That is a super picture from your birthday 25 years ago.

  2. barbawit Says:

    Happy Birthday! and yes as we get older those thoughts do start to cross our mind. I’m old enough to be my bosses father.

  3. judyb Says:

    Happy Birthday, Bart. Enjoy those 40’s b/c the 50’s are painful. :)

  4. Martin Says:

    Happy 45th – may you be around long enough to see the doubling – and be able to enjoy it!

  5. Catherine Golden Says:

    Golly….what HE said!

    I had to refrain a few times from blurting out “me too!!!!”
    in an adolescent girly voice,
    into the empty room.

    Cheers to many more days,
    weeks and years
    of self contemplation.

    Happy Birthday!

  6. David Says:

    Happy Birthday, old man!

  7. M Says:

    They say 40 is the new 21. So by the time 65 rolls around it’ll be at least the new 40, and who really knows what excitement awaits at 100+? We’ll see John Hughes reimagined with 116 Candles!

  8. Anne Says:

    Happy Birthday! I really like the idea of a savory cake rather than a sweet one. Hope you enjoyed it!

  9. oyster Says:

    The expression on your face in that celebratory(?) photo, is pretty damn funny. Happy belated, Bart, and here’s to many more trips around the sun!

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