My research continues to pay dividends. I’ve discovered things about Indianapolis that even I didn’t know, things that will make your hair stand on end. I started this list to help Saints fans, but when my friends and family up in Indianapolis read this, they will probably want to pack up the car and evacuate while the getting is good.
- Even though Jimmy Kimmel calls the score wrong, you gotta respect his take:
Colts 31-21. I know New Orleans is the sentimental favorite, but I still think people who live in Indianapolis are worse off.
- The benighted denizens of Indianapolis love to brag about how theirs is the only capital city located at the exact geographic center of their state — as if that was something to brag about in the first place. But as a matter of fact, like so many other pro-Indy talking points, this is a flat-out lie. Indianapolis is not at the exact center of Indiana. Not even close! It’s skewed a good 35 feet to the northeast. The founding fathers figured this was close enough — such is Hoosier laxity where matters of precision are concerned.
- And that leads us to another little-known but extremely relevant fact. Indianapolis was not the only name considered for the city. Because of the imprecise reckoning used to fix its location, the original name of the city was proposed to be Purtnearpolis because it’s “purt near” the center of the state. James Whitcomb Riley advocated strongly for this choice, but he was so drunk when he spoke before the legislature that no one could understand what he was actually saying.
- As an unfortunate consequence of the name finally chosen for the city, no one really knows what to call those who have the misfortune to live there. The official terms is Indianapolitan, which has more syllables than most Hoosiers can count. The problem is that no one can actually pronounce that word. Is that any way to conduct business in the 21st century?
- Hoosiers like to consider themselves well educated, but a recent poll indicates that 85% of Indiana residents can’t spell “Who Dat.” 63% weren’t even certain if it’s one word or two.
- Indianapolis is known as a breeding ground for terrorists and criminals. Jimmy Hoffa, Jim Jones, half of the original Symbionese Liberation Army, Timothy McVeigh, Lee Harvey Oswald, and Osama bin Laden are all from Indianapolis.
- There is a school on the west side of Indy that serves nothing but bacon in its cafeteria. Hard to believe but true! No veggies, no fresh fruit, no beverages even. Only bacon.
- Bourbon Street, probably the most famous street in America, is known across the nation for tawdry images of female Mardi Gras revelers baring their breasts in public. Here in New Orleans we know such behavior is the exclusive domain of tourists from out of town. What’s less well known is that 92% of those Bourbon Street flashers are from Indianapolis. It’s a statistical fact.
- The somniferous qualities of Naptown cannot be overstated. In 1992, the city council considered installing “wake up sirens” in the downtown area to prevent workers and tourists from nodding off due to sheer boredom. The project proved cost-prohibitive so today rampant snoozing continues unabated in the streets. Indeed it is not unusual to stumble over people sleeping on the sidewalk in downtown in Indianapolis, from which derives the customary Hoosier warning, “Mind you don’t stub your toe on that guy’s teeth!”
- The city of Indianapolis is so depressing, and its citizenry so lacking in moral character, that a Constitutional amendment was recently introduced to engineer a “reverse secession” which would effectively turn Indianapolis into an independent nation of its own. The amendment was narrowly defeated on humanitarian grounds.
These facts are backed up by a thorough research of the historical and scientific literature and are guaranteed to be pretty goshdarn accurate.