I am happy to announce that our house is finally secure for the first time in many months. Our four downstairs doors had no locks. In fact one of the doors fell off its hinges a couple months ago. The only thing keeping trespassers out has been luck. But I got new knobs and deadbolts, and our contractor finally got them installed.
Unfortunately that has revealed a new problem.
See, Mike sent me to pick out the hardware on my own. I should have known this was trouble.